Some people find it hard to say ‘No’, they worry about being disliked, want to please others or tend to avoid conflict. You may think that putting yourself first is selfish or you want to be polite. However saying yes when you really want to say NO is unkind to yourself and dishonest.

It’s true that some situations make it hard to say NO.  Also some people are hard to say NO to; there are people who try very hard to get what they want by persuading people or making them feel guilty or even bullying people. In the moment it can be a challenge to say ‘No’ but ultimately it is helpful to set boundaries and say no to people as well as being kind to yourself.

You could see saying ‘NO’ as an art to practice. Here are tips on how to say, ‘No’, well.

The high quality ‘NO’

Be Honest: If you have a reason for saying no which you can share then do so but do not feel you have justify yourself or give a long explanation.

Be Kind: you can say no with a smile, you do not need to be aggressive or rude, just say ‘no, thank you’ or ‘no sorry that’s not possible’.

Be Clear: If someone does not want to take no for an answer, be direct and repeat yourself, then change the subject or walk away.

The second best, ‘NO’

When saying No is hard, then give yourself a break and try some less direct tactics.

Say no without saying ‘no’: You can say no in a general way using phrase such as: I am busy now…..I already have plans… I have a lot on at the moment.

Say you don’t feel like it: If someone tries to persuade you to do something you don’t want to then you can say, ‘To be honest I don’t feel like it’ no one can argue with your feelings even if they don’t like your decision.

Buy time: If you are not sure then say you’ll think about it, suggest you get back to them later. When you have decided, let them know.

Broken record: If someone won’t take no for an answer then just keep repeating yourself in different ways, this is good for small children but also works for persistent adults.

Reach a compromise: If you would like to accommodate someone but it is hard for you, then see if you can find an alternative solution which is OK for both parties.

Make an excuse: As a last resort, if you are feeling pressurised, are being asked to justify your decision or don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings, you can make an excuse. If you really don’t want to do something and are finding it hard to be assertive this could be the kindest thing for yourself.

If you find it had to say ‘NO’ then start by practicing in easier situations, try saying no in any situation where you would usually say yes. There will always be people or situations that make saying no hard, see them as a challenge and an opportunity to improve your assertiveness skills.

Remember you could be doing someone a favour by saying no. ‘I am thankyou to all those who said no, because of them I did it myself‘   ~ Einstien

I doubt I am the only one who often finds the concept of positive thinking trite, Pollyanna-ish and not very helpful. When you are having a bad time, a new age concept which implies that your state of mind is the issue rather than any external factor can feel dismissive and irritating.

However negative thinking is an issue for many people and whilst simplistic notions of positive thinking may not be the answer, the way we respond to difficult events in our lives is crucial to our wellbeing.

Neuroscience shows that our brains are indeed hard wired to focus on the negative, we are five times more likely to notice negative experiences as opposed to positive ones. This psychological phenomenon is called the ‘negativity bias‘. Negative thoughts have a Velcro like quality and positive thoughts are like Teflon, literally the negative clings and the positive slips away. The origins of this tenedency toward negativity can be found in the evolution of human survival, when people ignored a danger or threat such as a predator they would lose their life, whilst ignoring an opportunity or missing a reward would not have such immediate consequences.

Since our brains are still programmed to prioritise the negative,  wouldn’t it make sense to replace these outdated and ingrained negative thoughts with positive ones?

The problem with trying to think positive is:

• It promotes passivity: trying to ignore negative events or pretend they do not matter can feel counter intuitive or ill advised. External threats do still exist and action does often need to be taken. We may not be at risk of being pounced on by a tiger but our security and well being can be at risk from other factors such as economic hardship and job loss.
• It bypasses emotions: when people are upset the primitive “emotion brain” in the limbic system is aroused and it is not possible to think logically. Suggesting a logic and rational solution such as positive thinking will just annoy people.
• It encourages denial:  Using positive thinking as the first recourse can mean that people avoid looking at and accepting their feelings about a situation. Acknowledging and confronting your own emotional pain and working through it leads to acceptance, when you have accepted a situation positive feelings will naturally start to re-emerge.
• It justifies self recrimination: If you believe that positive thinking equals positive results then when things go wrong you could also assume that it is due to your wrong thinking, rather than making you feel more positive this type of belief could make you feel depressed!

The way to re-balance the brain is not trying to artificially insert positive thoughts into our mind and avoid the negative ones but to actively look for and create positive experiences in the body. The answer lies in experience not in thought.

We can change our thought patterns by creating positive experiences for ourselves and focusing on existing positive aspects in ourselves, other people and the world. The crucial point is to create sensory and bodily felt experiences rather than passive experiences or contrived thoughts.

Not only does cultivating positive experiences in this way improve our mind state in the short term, as a long term practice it is believed to change the way we think and help to re-balance the negativity bias. Neuropsychologist,  Rick Hansen suggests that intense, embodied and enduring positive experiences, can change the way our brains are wired-up.  The ability of the brain to change with learning is what is known as neuroplasticity,  it means the brain can re-organise itself based on new experiences. The brain has the ability to grow new neurons and rewire itself, over time we can notice and engage with positive experiences more often.

Next time you notice yourself thinking negatively do not waste time trying to convince yourself think positively, instead:

•  Do something you enjoy and focus fully on the experience.

• Register the pleasant things around you, direct your attention to them, try to induce a felt experience rather than a thought.

• Spend time with people you like, notice and appreciate how this makes you feel you.

• Look for beauty within your immediate environment and relate to it as bodily felt, sensory experience.

Unlike positive thinking this practice does not promise to magically change your life overnight; it will not make you fabulously wealthy, it will not protect you from unfortunate events or attract only good fortune and wonderful people into your life. However in the short term it will cheer you up and in the long term it can improve your mental state so that you do actaully feel more positive, resilient and robust and less at the mercy of negativity.

Can you remember a day when you thought that you could have it all and be all things to everyone? Multi-tasking was seen as the way to do just that. Was this ‘do it all and have it all’ attitude a sign of the times or just youthful optimism?

When we have busy lives, as many of us do, we end up with competing priorities that urge us to get on with life and get things done quickly.  Multi-tasking appears to offer a way of achieving many things at the same time thus saving time as well as getting more done  In the short term it may seem like we are more productive but in the long run multi-tasking can be ineffective, unsatisfactory and unhealthy.

Psychologist David Meyer at the University of Michigan found that multi-tasking contributes to the release of stress hormones and adrenaline, which can cause long-term health problems if not controlled, and contributes to the loss of short-term memory.

Continually dividing our attention asks our brains to work harder, this creates stress and if we end up half finishing tasks or doing them badly we can feel dissatisfaction with the results and ourselves.

In the article Is Multi-tasking More Efficient? The American Psychological Association report that scientific studies show that in the long run multi-tasking takes longer. Swapping tasks is said to entail ‘goal shifting (“I want to do this now instead of that“) and rule activation (“I’m turning off the rules for that and turning on the rules for this“). Multi-tasking may seem more efficient on the surface, but may actually take more time in the end‘

We all have a limited amount of physical and mental energy, habitual multi-tasking tires us out. When your concentration splits into different directions your energy gets depleted before you have completed the tasks, leaving you feeling frustrated. In contrast if you focus all your mental effort on one area this will actually increase your energy. Concentrating your energy is effective and faster which leads you to feel fulfilled; this produces positive feelings and creates more energy.

Maybe you are in the process of realising that you can’t have it all but if you are lucky you can have what you really want and maybe you don’t have to be all things to everyone but you can be there for the people who matter. Understanding whats really important to us and what isn’t helps us work within our limitations and stop multi-tasking!

There will always be people and obligations that distract you from the task at hand sometimes we need to honour these commitments but sometimes they can wait. Assert your right to take your time and do things at your own pace, in the long term this will make a difference to how you feel on the inside and what your life looks like on the outside.

Start by choosing just one task every day and aim to focus on it entirely until it is finished, do it to the best of your ability by putting all your effort in to it.

HOW TO PRACTICE DOING ONE THING AT A TIME:

•  Create a Clear Intention: Start by decided exactly what you are going to do and how long this may take.

•  Concentrate: Wait until you can focus on this task to the exclusion of everything else.

•  Investigate: Become interested and absorbed in what you are doing and how you are doing it. Even if the task seems mundane, cultivate an attitude of curiousity and care.

•  Use Your Will Power: Continue until this task is completed and do not give in to distractions.

Notice how this feels compared to multi tasking and see how you feel about the results.

Does multi-tasking work for you or does it leave you tired out? Does your life style get you multi-tasking even though you would like to slow down? Leave your comments below…